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i'm a fraud

 ok. so, i've been trying hard, or what feels like in some ways to be trying hard, to finish the micrograd tutorial for several months now.  yup, that super basic ass tutorial.  it's less than 3 hours long.  i should be able to do it.  i know i can.  but somehow, its so much easier to get other people to do things.  when i was a teenager, i wanted to be a physicist. i browsed hyperphysics a lot, i assumed i would be a theoretical physicist when i was older, along with some kind of businessman and maybe some martial arts.  i'm now poor, living in my parents attic, with my main 'expertise' being in recruiting people, some marketing and yapping. and i've failed to finish a less than 3 hour tutorial for a basic ass thing.  it's so fucking boring though. jesus christ.  why have i failed to do one boring thing though?  want to succeed at more boring things.  i wonder if I can make this be a timer/game? see how long i can actually do/...
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choice. insecurity

I'm feeling depressed. Or fearful. I'm insecure. I'm worried that none of the choices I make will be correct. I'm worried that I keep on wasting time. I'm worried that I'm wasting everyone else's time. I'm worried that I'm wasting my mothers life. That I'm being a disappointment of an older brother. I'm worried that I'm disappointing my dreams. I'm worried that I'm wasting my team's time. I'm scared that I'm not actually working to make a bright future.  I know when I'm wasting time. I keep doing it. I'm so self obsessed. I don't pay enough attention to the hopes I have.  I don't respect my time enough. I don't respect myself enough. I don't trust myself enough. I've lost some of the faith I had in myself. I get it back. It's fleeting. THAT WASN'T FAITH. That was hope. I've been chasing ideas. I've not been making money. I should make some money. Real money.  I want to be les...
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Pain of Writing

 I should make more lists. I should write more. I should articulate what it is I'm doing, what it is I want, all things and more like this. I've known about this for a long time.  I just realized sometthing a few moments ago. That part of why I'm so hesitant to do it is fear. Fear that it wont be good enough. And this fear is in part due to experiences with my father.  My father has done a lot of admirable things. What I'm going to talk about isn't one of them.  He would constantly shout at me about handwriting. If I got a question right, while studying. It didn't matter if my writing wasn't good. If I wanted to write a story. Didn't matter how good it was unless the handwriting was good. If I wrote about anything at all. Didn't matter what the fuck the content was, if the handwriting wasn't good. This was some arbitrary bullshit to me even 15+ years ago and it's even more arbitrary and outdated nonsense now, when he's doing the same thin...
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