choice. insecurity

I'm feeling depressed. Or fearful. I'm insecure. I'm worried that none of the choices I make will be correct. I'm worried that I keep on wasting time. I'm worried that I'm wasting everyone else's time. I'm worried that I'm wasting my mothers life. That I'm being a disappointment of an older brother. I'm worried that I'm disappointing my dreams. I'm worried that I'm wasting my team's time.
I'm scared that I'm not actually working to make a bright future. 

I know when I'm wasting time. I keep doing it. I'm so self obsessed. I don't pay enough attention to the hopes I have. 

I don't respect my time enough. I don't respect myself enough. I don't trust myself enough. I've lost some of the faith I had in myself. I get it back. It's fleeting. THAT WASN'T FAITH. That was hope. I've been chasing ideas. I've not been making money. I should make some money. Real money. 

I want to be less weak. I want to be more reliable. How do I do this. What steps do I take. What mind do I become? What actions are there which I do A, B, C - boom! Reliable person?

Which actions like this could even exist. I do like who I am. I don't. I like it. I don't. Not a contradiction. 

So many thoughts. Not enough action that is useful to others. Not the actions which actually lead to the good outcomes. Mania, mania, mania. Not actually mania. Just words. 

Words, words, words. I wanted to be a scientist. I could still be. The possibilities are there. I'm 25 now. I should be powerful. 

I'M NOT

I'm disappointed in what my life is. I'm not happy with the actions I take. 

I know all the bullshit self help shit. I know the minds that make them. I know the patterns. Even the ones that the online people think are oh so mysterious and that not enough people know, or that 'no one gets how important this is'. Yes, even yours. No, I'm not talking to them, I'm talking to you. Not them either, oh enlightened, meditative one - I mean you. 

Slop, slop, slop. Words, words, words. Spew them, spew them, spew them. 

Convince, convince, convince. Persuade, persuade, persuade. It's not deception if it's true, right? It's not a lie if I actually 100% believe it to be true, right? How can I be a cult leader if I don't claim to even lead? How can I be immoral if all I offer are tools and ideas? 

Lie, lead to fear, lead to you, lead to bad behaviour, lead away from truth, care not to look beneath the lid. 

What is it that's important? What is it that's beautiful? That which is not fleeting, that which doesn't bring tomorrow's disappointment? That which is like the fire at dusk, the sun at dawn, the fullness of air, the love of family?

I know.