i'm a fraud

 ok. so, i've been trying hard, or what feels like in some ways to be trying hard, to finish the micrograd tutorial for several months now. 

yup, that super basic ass tutorial. 

it's less than 3 hours long. 

i should be able to do it. 

i know i can. 

but somehow, its so much easier to get other people to do things. 

when i was a teenager, i wanted to be a physicist. i browsed hyperphysics a lot, i assumed i would be a theoretical physicist when i was older, along with some kind of businessman and maybe some martial arts. 

i'm now poor, living in my parents attic, with my main 'expertise' being in recruiting people, some marketing and yapping. and i've failed to finish a less than 3 hour tutorial for a basic ass thing. 

it's so fucking boring though. jesus christ. 

why have i failed to do one boring thing though? 

want to succeed at more boring things. 

i wonder if I can make this be a timer/game?

see how long i can actually do/focus on it each time? 

maybe today, i do it for 20 mins straight. 

tomorrow, i try for more. 

i've been able to increase the amount i weightlift. earlier today i did 5 sets of 90kg squats for 10 reps.

rested in between. 

but still. 

when i ran a marathon, for the first 20 or so miles, the boredom was the biggest thing. 

when i tried running 5k earlier today, the boredom and the temptation of having the phone on hand was the biggest thing. 

not  really boredom, hence the crossing out. 

anxiety. 

anxiety. 

anxiety. 

i was doing "https://kkumar97.blogspot.com/2025/01/pain-of-writing.html" again. putting tons of pressure. not just letting doing a bit be enough. 

so. 

what i want to do. 

is have a plan. have feedback on that plan. 

a clear measure of success. 

iterate. improve. 

increase my odds. 

so. there's some chance that this tutorial can increase the odds of getting the goal. 

the goal the bright future. 

to get there, need to have solved alignment, make sure the right people are doing the alignment.

big, massive part of that will be the events. 

hmmm

ok, the tutorial is in large part to make me feel good. 

so it's actually an investment in me feeling good, feeling like not an imposter. 

i do this, then i've done more to be an 'ai engineer'

the way i felt like more of one, when i did the statquest tutorial for the super simple llm. 

so, this is really to make me feel good, so i feel more confident in other stuff. 

i like that.