I should make more lists. I should write more. I should articulate what it is I'm doing, what it is I want, all things and more like this. I've known about this for a long time. I just realized sometthing a few moments ago. That part of why I'm so hesitant to do it is fear. Fear that it wont be good enough. And this fear is in part due to experiences with my father. My father has done a lot of admirable things. What I'm going to talk about isn't one of them. He would constantly shout at me about handwriting. If I got a question right, while studying. It didn't matter if my writing wasn't good. If I wanted to write a story. Didn't matter how good it was unless the handwriting was good. If I wrote about anything at all. Didn't matter what the fuck the content was, if the handwriting wasn't good. This was some arbitrary bullshit to me even 15+ years ago and it's even more arbitrary and outdated nonsense now, when he's doing the same thin...
My father is now saying to my little sister that if you want to be a doctor, you can only sleep 2 hours a day. He doesn't care about the truth being sacred. He will lie to himself, to others, to anyone. He has not seen the truth as sacred for as long as I can remember. He didn't hold it sacred when I was a child. Lying for any reason at all, unless he felt that there might be some consequences for it. He lied when he cheated on my mother for years. He lied when I caught him cheating on my mother. He lied when he called the police on me on false charges. He lied for silly things as well. He lied whenever he should have admitted to not knowing things. For insecurity, for ego, for convenience, for dominance, for power, for ease, for greed, for selfishness, for selflessness, for pain, for pleasure. He lied every day and still does. I know I can become like him easily. I know I have been like him, for many years, from when I was a child to a teenager. And that I can do it again....
i'm thinkng about this fo r sos so long ages and anges and ages thousands of times i've thoughaat about the perrrrfect wayyy to write this. a religion a song a research stufy haha,nt that one really a hackathon - thats real - and might actually be WE SHOULD SURPASS AI - FUCK AI - FUCK HUMAN DISEMPOWERMENT - I WANT ACTUAL HUMAN EMPOWERMENT, NOT TOOL EMPOWERMENT
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