anxiety

 im anxious. im so anxious. im so stressed. im fat. i've not been doing anywhere near as much as i should have. im a fraud. i dont actually do anything, i just tell other people what to do and say things that sound cool. and i am afraid now of messaging people. its so much easier to start things than follow through. when failure means actually losing something, its so much more formidable. its because its no longer just something without expectations, but now something that has expectations. 

i am the one who has those expectations. its not just expectation. its that if i dont meet it, then i'm the useless piece of shit that my dad and whatever says i am. its also that the people who've rejected my funding applications have some reason to do so and they can tell somehow that i dont have the sauce or whatever is needed to actually do this stuff in a successful way. 

and i can actually just fucking fail and fuck up a few times and build on it.

i think i made a lot of mistakes though. 

i might also still be making more mistakes as well. 

i might be making mistakes mainly because i am afraid of the above. the follow through. the continuing. the hard work. the moving push

the big push

the work

the muscle is atrophied. the muscle of effort. 

the muscle of stress. the muscle of tension. the muscle of trying actually hard. of going over it again and again. actually paying attention. actually applying myself. 

that muscle. 

its underdeveloped.

its atrophied. 

i never had to properly do that. 

or did i. 

what discoveries did i have to make. 

it was rote memorization. when i got an A, it was either stuff that was below my level, something i had read and done dozens of times, because someone else made me. or because someone else made me. 

it is belief in myself that i am lacking. 

it is expectations from others that feels to have pushed me a lot. i have doubts in myself because of that. 

so i doubt and doubt and panic and panic. 

i see 

mmmm

ok. 

there is a solution. 

multiple, in fact. 

ok i can do this. 

sweet.

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