kabir's blog

 Much of the world, I feel, is caught in a cycle of constant stress, axiety and pain. And the relief they have to keep them going, is moments of joy. A moment where they get to have a nice meal, a moment where they get to talk to their family or even a moment where they get to watch a nice video online.  And the rest of their time is spend in pain and stress, with the promise of another moment. Each day a gamble, that this one will get them closer to a day with more moments and less pain.  I dont *want* any more moments. I want a good, full life. I want everyone to have lives that are full, that bring joy, that feel peaceful, or energetic, a life that feels like a life, not just a cycle of waiting for another moment.

 shame and shame and shame and shame aaand shame aaaand sahme. what makes me ashamed.  everything. what makes me proud. nothing there is something. it feels like a forgotten memory.

 im anxious. im so anxious. im so stressed. im fat. i've not been doing anywhere near as much as i should have. im a fraud. i dont actually do anything, i just tell other people what to do and say things that sound cool. and i am afraid now of messaging people. its so much easier to start things than follow through. when failure means actually losing something, its so much more formidable. its because its no longer just something without expectations, but now something that has expectations.  i am the one who has those expectations. its not just expectation. its that if i dont meet it, then i'm the useless piece of shit that my dad and whatever says i am. its also that the people who've rejected my funding applications have some reason to do so and they can tell somehow that i dont have the sauce or whatever is needed to actually do this stuff in a successful way.  and i can actually just fucking fail and fuck up a few times and build on it. i think i made a lot of mistak...