old (My Anger at the blades of Moloch) new (my hope and trepidation for the future)

in february i'd written this:

 We aren't doing enough. We are not on track. We have too many people scared of petty things, trying to cover their own asses. We have benchmarks to measure capability progress and know we're less than 5 years from an AI that will mean the end of all human power on Earth, forever. And we still have less than $1 trillion invested in solutions to make sure the AI will have values we actually share. Or even that we'll have any real say over those values at all. 

The two most powerful men in the world right now (Altman and Musk, sorry rest of humanity) are grabbing power in ways few understand. One full on in building the lightcone seizer, the other seriously trying to take over the world in a way we haven't seen for a few decades. While, of course, using the words of 'safety' in AI in a way that has nothing to do with the actual meaning. Two grand deception machines, willing to do anything for control of the lightcone, even putting it at massive risk. 

By the end of last year,

I overestimated musk in a few ways, obv. 

and in some ways, i might have either underestimated myself or just not actually stared and really tried hard to solve the problems in front of me, rather than trying to just look at the future thats two-four years ahead. 

some things seem more possible to me now. i think if i consistently put in effort, i can make progress on hard problems. 

its hard. its very very hard. 

a few slipups here and there and hope built from the hard work seems like it can go whooooooosh

but even then i dont think its fully gone

i've been surprised at just how much people appreciate me and help me.

ive been too used, it seems, to being in a home where i never get praise or appreciation. the closest only being temporary relief, it seems, from being afraid of my failures and impending collosal failure. which makes me so so sad to come from my mother who i love and respect. 

my father, i've somewhat given up on. theres a tiny bit of very very vague hope somehow

its very very very faint 

i want to make my sister happy and free and proud and empowered

i think its possible

but i dont want to live in possibilities anymore. i dont want fantasy. 

i want reality

two dollars in my hand are better then two thousand in my dreams. 

it can be done

all of it.

the difficulty is moving my hands into the fearful place of reality, which can dissolve dreams and unravel the smoky hopes. 

and get the few pieces of clay from whats left. 

trust myself and those who are with me to make that into something fulfilling and worthwhile